Okay, so I have not consistently been keeping up with my blog for awhile now and it is time to bring that to an end. I have been beyond busy from work to life to the point where I have been suffering from some major writer’s block. So I will start off slow when it comes to bringing you all up to speed on what has been going on in my life.
First off, almost two weeks ago now Shane has left for basic training, and it has been a huge struggle for me, but at the same time very enlightening. I have goals set for myself again that I am not likely to break because they keep me as busy as possible. I am trying new pinterest projects about twice a week – which I will have to post about as well – and I have been taking his absence as a time to really reflect on myself. It’s an odd experience for me, after being in a relationship for almost three years and trying to please someone else, which I do not mind in the slightest, I just have not had the chance to really focus on myself in a long time. Let me tell you, I missed myself! I missed just having time to my thoughts, being able to drink a glass of wine uninterrupted, eat A LOT healthier, workout more consistently….it is actually really nice.
I won’t deny though that I miss him like crazy, I find myself looking through our old text threads at night, looking for the text where he says he loves me, browsing through my pictures just so I can remember his face. The longest we have ever really been apart since we have been together is about a week, so this time seems to drag, but at the same time I try to keep my days so full they also seem to be speeding by. In his absence I have spent the majority of my time preparing to be my perfect vision of myself so that when July comes around and I finally get to see him again, I am a new and more whole person. In any relationship I have come to realize that you can depend on each other, but not to the point where you lose yourself in that other person. While he makes me a better person and I couldn’t picture myself with anyone else, I also need that relationship with myself, I need to also be whole on my own.
Christmas is coming, at least I feel like- for the most part- I have gotten the gifts I need to, but when it comes to time I am now completely out of spare time. Not to mention suffering from a huge writing block ever since the start of this month. Things are getting so hectic, which is understandable around holiday times. Deadlines at work are due before the end of the year, I just started a second job to make some extra “fun” cash, and Shane is working two jobs as well. To say we don’t see each other often is an understatement. Not to mention my early Christmas present that Shane and our roommate pitched in to get me requires a lot of maintenance and upkeep. We will get to that in a few 😉 I am in need of a good holiday rant right about now so here it goes:
1) I am now a Hooters Girl again (woohoo! – major sarcasm) I thought it would be the easiest job to get back into and be able to control my schedule the best. Guess we will find out, what really blows is having to go through training all over again and try to track down my servsafe certification. For those of you who have no idea what that is, it’s basically my license to be able to serve alcohol and food to customers. All waiters/waitresses are required to have this….I just refuse to sit through the four hour class again. No thank you, it’s bad enough I have to be “trained” again when it is all drilled into my brain for the rest of my life.
2) Shane may be leaving at the beginning of January for basic training for two months….what am I going to do in that time period?!? Well, hence the second job. I need something to occupy my time and make the days go by faster. I am in no way a needy girl, I quite enjoy my alone time, but it’s going to bed every night and not having him by my side that will really screw me up. Bring on the sleepless nights!
3) As always family drama’s are a given around this time of year, well for the past few weeks my Great Grandmother has gotten very ill and I want to be able to visit her in case anything goes wrong within the next few months. I have not experienced a death in my family since I was about five years old, I am not psychologically prepared to be given this burden on top of everything else. It would be nice to get to Minnesota and see her before it’s too late. I know that’s a terrible outlook right now and I probably sound like a pessimist, but since her surgery failed, and family members keep lying to us about her true conditions, I need to see her for myself at this point. Family has become the most important thing to me as I get older, and I just miss my relatives.
4) If getting a second job isn’t stressful enough, having my first job is even worse right now. It is major deadlines month, I am the manager when it comes to getting these deadlines completed. Those of you in a business like mine with meeting – unbelievably ridiculous – deadline amounts know my struggles. Plus everyday now I am required to be on a conference call until the end of the year, even on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. I am beyond pissed off, especially since each call is the same conversation over and over again. Add in having to somehow make it to a second job with a smile on my face and hair and makeup all done?! I don’t know what I was thinking honestly.
Since this post is running long I will do a separate post about my beloved Christmas present 😉 maybe today….I might make ya’ll wait until Christmas! Maybe if you’re good I’ll let you unwrap this one on Christmas Eve!
Tis’ the season!
xoxo Brenna
This is our small little hometown up top! At the bottom are our first home decorations for Xmas!
Share a photo of something old. Maybe something that has personal history for you, that was passed down to you, and that has special meaning to you. Tell us about it and why it’s special.
Well we have come to the end of Blogtember and I am actually really pretty bummed about it, although I would be late by a few days, at least it was a topical challenge that really helped me as a writer, but also with getting me to a new audience. And I graciously thank the creator Jenni with Story of My Life! For today’s last topic, my item is not really old per say. It is getting there, but I have never really been handed down anything through my family. The problem is we’re Irish, and the Irish take more pride and joy in land than we do of personal trinkets. I know I will be passed down some land, which I will love and cherish more than anything. But for the past two years my most prized possession has been my Claddagh ring.
For those of you who do not know what it is, it is an Irish traditional ring. Both of my grandparents actually wear them as their wedding bands. But the symbolism behind the ring means more to me than anything. The ring itself represents love, loyalty, and friendship. Below is my ring:
What makes this ring so special is not only is it part of an Irish tradition, but it was given to me three months into mine and Shane’s relationship. He actually bought the ring for me, knowing how much I wanted one. There are four ways the ring can be worn which actually symbolize four different statuses.
1) On the right hand with the heart pointed towards the fingertips, the wearer is single and may be looking for love.
2) On the right hand with the point of the heart toward the wrist, the wearer is in a relationship. (This suggests that the wearer’s hand has been “captured”) This is the position that my ring has been in since first receiving it.
3) Worn on the left hand with the heart tip pointed towards the fingertips signifies an engagement.
4) On the left hand with the tip of the heart pointed to the wrist, the wearer is married.
I cherish this symbolism every day, although I am not engaged or married, the ring means more to me than all of that, there is more meaning behind the culture of the ring than what today’s society imposes. Just the fact that it was given to me by someone who appreciates that culture just as much as I do, makes my claddagh ring all the more special to me.
Again, I am sorry about my delays with Blogtember!! I have been swamped at work the past three days so I am getting all of these late posts up to speed now! So I left off at: only photos! I could not decide what I should post picture wise, so I chose to go in depth so you can all see the different sides to me, as well as who has brought so much happiness to my life! To sum it all up, below are my country backwoods side, my modeling side, my happiness, and just myself. Normally I don’t like to be this conceited, but hey we all need to love ourselves before we can ever be loved in return! So here is the REAL me!
Write a public love letter to someone in your life. (It doesn’t necessarily need to be romantic.)
Well of course everyone reading my blog will come to see that I am very much in love with my boyfriend, still like every couple we had our issues in the beginning of our relationship. We still occasionally have problems, but so does every couple. If you are still together, then you know that it takes hard work and dedication coming from both sides to make it work. After Shane and I had our first real big fight, I created a fight journal. Of course, if I could put my feelings in writing, I felt much better and the next day I would let him read it. I haven’t used that journal in over a year now, but it definitely helped me to cross the milestone of being able to communicate my true feelings with him much better. But to get back on topic, in the back of the journal I wrote a list of 100 things about him that I loved. This list always helped me to realize the important aspects of our relationship and all of the reasons why I loved him instead of the stupid reasons I was mad at him at these particular times. Of course I will not go advertising this list, but this is my letter to Shane:
Shane,
You are the only person who can really make me laugh, even when I am trying my hardest to be mad at you. Everyday you will surprise me, whether its good or bad, you always do. We can have fun no matter what we are doing, whether its laying around the house all day or just doing errands. I can talk to you about anything and everything and know that you never judge, you always encourage me in whatever schemes I come up with. We have been together for almost two years now and I cannot believe that we have made it this long. You have given so much to be with me, and I only hope that I have given as much in return. Looking back I never would have thought we would be able to conquer as much as we have, and in so little time- even though it feels like years have passed. You were always there for me, even before we started dating, and every day I will apologize for not realizing my feelings for you sooner. But, we both needed to change and grow as individuals before we could grow together, and I wouldn’t change how everything turned out. People have always doubted us, we have had our fair share of criticism, but that never stopped us. You gave up friendships for me, which in time I also returned that favor. One thing we have overcome is our ability to stand by each other no matter what, to not adhere to what others say and just do what keeps us happy. Although a lot has changed in the past two years, there is one thing that hasn’t changed, and that is how much I love you. I can still look at you with those same emotions as the first day we kissed and know that I am right where I am supposed to be, and I wouldn’t want it any other way.
Honestly there have been many times when I have been very afraid, I could write about some very bad childhood instances where I was frightened and scared beyond belief. But at this moment there is one time that stands out more than them all put together. Although he doesn’t know how truly terrified at that point and time that I was, I have always been able to express my true feelings through writing way better than I can in person.
My story begins in July 2011, I had completely shut myself off from everyone I knew. I stayed under the radar and didn’t hang out with anyone for almost a year. I had a lot of issues I was taking care of and sifting through. My main focus was work and school, and I made some of the best grades of my entire college career during this time. I had gotten a new job, actually at a Hooters, and no one knew anything about my life. Well I was serving one night in July and I was founded out by Shane, he had randomly wandered in with a friend and I was their waitress. I had known Shane for awhile previous, and he was one of the people that I had cut off from my life. For some reason I remember my stomach completely sinking at the recognition of him, I began to get really hot and was completely freaking out. I even tried to give the table to another girl, but I decided not to be a complete coward and I walked up to the table. Him and his friend both were nice enough to me, even with the past issues that I had endured with his other friends. When we all got to talking, we reconnected and I forgot how much I missed his friendship. He was one of the people that never judged me or criticized me for everything that had happened. He never wrote me off, I had written him off, and after that night we became friends again.
After about a month of hanging out constantly, I started to look at him differently. I had never considered him as anything more than a friend. Yes, he was in the accursed friend-zone. But something had changed, and I know now that I had changed. He was always there for me, even before I had written him off completely, I enjoyed spending time with him more than anyone, and he was the one person who I could always be myself with. Not to mention the more time we spent together the cuter he became….kinda funny how that works. Each day we grew closer and closer and I became more and more afraid, afraid not only to lose his friendship but to lose him in general. I was scaring myself with these feelings, they were feelings that I had never experienced and I would constantly try to ignore them. To push them aside and pretend like they weren’t there. I began thinking of an actual relationship with him, but why would I want to ruin our friendship over my feelings?! For all that I knew he didn’t think of me as more than a friend! I was being stupid, not to mention all of the people that would be completely pissed off if we ever did date.
Well a night came where we were hanging outside of his house, just the two of us, talking and laughing and just having fun. It got onto a more personal topic and I shut down, as I used to always do whenever I was scared to hurt someone’s feelings or to admit my own. He was never afraid to hurt my feelings in the process of getting me to fess up, he had caught me looking at him differently. I didn’t realize I was, but I was caught. Once he knew that I was hiding something, he would pester me to the death until I would finally cave and tell him what was really going on. My heart at this time was beating so hard and fast I swear he heard it, my palms grew sweaty and I was completely taken by surprise. This was the guy who I could always fess up to, the guy who I had pushed into the friend-zone for three odd years, the guy that I didn’t want to lose over feelings that I didn’t quite understand. Seeing me sweltering there, he changed the subject asking me if I remembered the first time we ever hung out. I told him I had, and he proceeded to say he thought it was a date. I was shocked, even when he continued to say that at the end of the night he wanted to kiss me but I had given him no hints of wanting him to.
With my head and heart pounding, my courage seemed to stem from his confession and I blurted out that I didn’t know that he thought that, and it was never too late for that kiss. Of course I wished with every fiber I had that he would, but he said if YOU want to kiss me, than you can. That threw me off completely, but then made me laugh because he knew, I don’t know how long he knew, but he had me. Granted, that’s the response I deserved for pushing him aside for so long, never knowing that he had liked me as more than a friend. But even with the invitation I was afraid, to just step forward and kiss him, it took me about ten minutes before I finally did it. Well since that night, I haven’t kissed any other lips since. So in truth, even being so afraid to admit to him and to myself my true feelings, there hasn’t been a day that goes by that I would wish it any other way. From being afraid, you gain the bravery and courage to take action, sometimes those moments can change your life. My moment definitely has.
No Limits 