Why Gaining Weight Is AWESOME

I have become a gym junkie. Well I don’t think I’ve strayed too far into that category yet, but I have officially passed the barrier. I always considered those people who went to the gym everyday just straight out of their minds, and on top of that they were eating healthier too! Just trying to show off to the rest of us “normal folk” when in reality that’s not the case.

I never actually believed them when they always said it’s a lifestyle change, and a choice. But it really is. I have officially been going to the gym now everyday of the week for the past 7 weeks, and being perfectly honest I’ve taken about 3 rest days maybe in that time frame. Those three days I completely HATED myself. I felt GUILTY for not going to the gym, and not because I felt like it was an obligation, but because I felt like I was cheating myself. The gym has become an everyday responsibility, something like paying my bills, the only difference being that I WANT to go to the gym every single day, whereas bills eh, no I don’t necessarily want to pay those, because I mean come on who does?

In the past, yes I have always tried to stick with it but never could and I know now that it was because I didn’t have the mind set yet. My drive wasn’t enough, my goals seemed too far fetched and it was discouraging right off the bat. One day something clicked and it no longer became about proving myself to other’s, it no longer became a chore to get fit and eat healthier. That day, it became about ME. I wanted to eat healthier for myself, I wanted to get fit for my DAMN SELF, I wanted to PROVE to MYSELF that I could do it. Have I reached my ultimate goals yet, no, but have I progressed further, HELL YES.

Never in my life would I have thought I could even bench press the bar, which is 45 lbs, not to mention now being able to bench 75 lbs, which I consider a HUGE achievement. I can run a mile in 9 minutes, something I haven’t been able to do since track in my freshmen year of high school. I am no longer winded for doing 2 miles of cardio, then my weight training immediately after. I have pushed myself and in doing that I expanded my mind. I have no mental restrictions, the gym is my savior and my motivation. Not only did I break past that mental barrier, but I have also gained my confidence in myself back. 

Every woman has her own body complexes, mine being that my baby-bearing hips are just ridiculously too wide, but as of late I realized yeah my hips add some mega curves, but they are all muscle. I can’t help that fact, I can only embrace them, because honestly they add to my physique. I have learned more about my body in the past 7 weeks than I have in my 22 years. Not only that, but I have learned that EVERYONE moves at their own pace, and while my achievements are minuscule compared to some other people’s, who the HELL cares. I’m seeing the difference, and yesterday I realized just how much of a difference.

I haven’t weighed myself in over a year, to which my last weigh in was maybe 115 pounds, basically at 5’7 I was a stick. Lacking in curves, at least in my personal opinions, I was the definition of skinny fat. Last night I had the boys grab the scale from the men’s room at the gym and literally mouth gaping was depressed when it read 116 and became determined to gain at least 20 pounds in muscle mass. But something was off, just that day Shane had picked me up and commented that I was much heavier, to which most women would be upset over but I was PROUD….when I told Shane my results he knew something was off….and it was. I got on the scale on the carpet, which skewed my results, moved the scale to the tile and BOOM, there read 139.6! I have NEVER been more proud of myself in my entire life. 

My happiness to that weigh-in confused the boys to no end, as that would scare many women, and honestly a year ago it would have scared the shit out of me. But to know that I have put on that much weight really makes me happy. While I still have some areas that need more definition and leaning out, I know that this lifestyle change has made me healthier, both physically and mentally, and that’s something to be proud of.

Happy Wednesday ya’ll!

xoxo, Bee

Why Being a Woman in the Workforce is Hard

I have been in my industry of work for about three years now, I’ve been trying to work my way up, because otherwise I don’t feel like I am accomplishing much. My personality is that I constantly need to prove myself, be more than what I am now and I’ve been stagnant with that for the past year and a half. It doesn’t help my case that I just happen to work the office of a construction-type business.

Like most jobs, I tend to hate it. It’s hard to deal with my co-workers and I endure most days with the biggest scowl on my face. The worst part is that it’s only one person that gives me grief, and he’s one of the laziest people I’ve ever met, just the fact that he considers himself a manager gets my blood boiling. It’s probably not the most professional thing in the world to be complaining about the people who pay me, but this is just me proving a point of how hard it actually is to be a woman in the workforce still to this day.

1) You have to work ten times harder to be taken seriously. It’s a second job in itself to show to your male counterparts that you aren’t a little sissy that will just roll over and die at the drop of a pin. The fact that I am a woman, still under 25, and I’m not “unattractive” doesn’t help my case. I have to always be stern, always be direct, and I work my ass off to try and show my co-workers that I can handle anything. I purposefully take on more than my recommended share of the work because I want that manager’s position, but that then leads to the next point.

2) You get overlooked and more is expected from you. I can say that not always does my extra effort go unnoticed, a rare few times I’ve gotten recognition, but since I do the work under my “manager,” they get the credit outwardly when it comes to other companies seeing the job get done. But also, since you are working so hard and taking on more than you can even process – but since you are a woman, multitasking is a given trait from God – they decide you can just keep doing MORE work. For instance, I’m working on about 6 different projects at once, all with their own criteria’s, and flawlessly keeping track of them, just to prove to my boss that I can do my own job, and that of others. In reality, I’m just allowing my counterparts to be lazier and take advantage of the fact that I am a proficient worker, therefore getting no credit of my own, just letting them take all the recognition. Sounds fair right?

3) You are still viewed as a body, not a mind. Like I stated earlier, I am not unattractive, and while my work ethic often goes unnoticed, unfortunately my outward appearance doesn’t. Being in this business, someone “like me” – as I often get – should be a teacher, a nurse, or working in public relations, or marketing or journalism…the typical classification. Apparently because of how I look, I don’t fit the whole construction women criteria, which most of you are immediately thinking of the smoker who has a ton of tattoos, not in the best shape and has the mouth of a sailor. As a human being, we all have those classifications, so I’m not offended. On a whole, my entire office smokes except for me and my other office worker, I constantly get snide comments and continuously get hit on by the guys that come in and out of the office. I know there are die hard feminists out there, so I’ll add that it’s harmless enough, yet irritating, and while I always tell them off, it doesn’t stop. While you are working so hard to have a hard outward appearance and working exponentially more to prove your worth, you are still viewed by your body rather than the content of your mind.

4) You are the center for verbal abuse. I don’t know what it is, but for some reason the “older” men feel the need to vent and raise opinions that no one wants to hear, yet you always are on the receiving end of. You would think that the older men would be more respectful, but that’s not the case in the slightest. While not all are the same, a few I’ve dealt with are. Men just love to always voice their opinions and I’ve always ignored them, letting them just vent out their problems to me while I continue to work, sometimes giving a non-verbal nod or acknowledgement. This method is much easier than getting completely pissed off at work, which as all women know who are reading this, would ruin your day entirely. I don’t know about you, but I have a lot more to be worrying about than the fact that some doctor or other is a crack-pot, or that the office is dirty, or that I must yet again sit on the phone for hours to take care of your job, because OF COURSE you just have much more important things to be doing. I guess computer games are a chore in themselves as well, my mistake.

5) You are constantly being underestimated. Meeting with new clients is the most dreaded part of my job. This goes hand-in-hand with outward appearances, but also because of the way your managers present you to others as well. For some reason, this same one has worse PMS problems than I do, so if I pissed him off the day before I am classified as a typical secretary, which isn’t my job title whatsoever. If that’s not insulting enough, that title then sticks with other companies. Emails, calls, they all go unanswered, you are no longer that strong individual to them that you are working so hard to show everyone you are. Then, when you start actually showing them, they are confused, you have been underestimated and it takes twice as long for you to become reputable. You have officially worked three times as hard at this point, but outwardly it doesn’t phase you because you are used to it, while inwardly you want to curl up into a ball and cry.

6) You are always an assumption. Whether it’s my age, my appearance, any of those factors I am always assumed to be the daughter of my manager’s, and therefore another reason I am not taken seriously. Apparently “daddy” just handed me the position, and everyone couldn’t be more wrong. While I am a daddy’s girl, my dad lives states away from me and I got this job on my own. I’ve never been handed anything in my life, I’ve always worked hard for what I have. I was raised by my parents that hard work leads to big rewards, but because of the fact that I was respected by my dad, I have always had high hopes for myself and future success. Not only that assumption but the absolute worst one, which you all can guess at. I can’t even voice that one because it is completely disgusting. You will always have other’s judging you, hating you for being in a higher position than they currently are. While I am the only female in my office, I know other females who come in are in hurry to think the absolute worst of me, and I won’t let that hinder me from furthering my career. I didn’t work this hard to let petty assumptions ruin the outlook I have for myself.

Being a woman is hard, that fact is just plain and simple. There is still prejudice, still assumptions, and I will always have to work twice as hard to prove myself to others. While some aspects of my job are the absolute worst, the content of my job is what I like. I won’t say I love it, but it is a great job with amazing future opportunities even if it takes me longer to achieve them. While I may not get this next promotion, I will still work hard to prove that I deserve the next one….

I am pushed to the edge of sanity every day, my temper is tested, and my patience, but that’s just the price you pay for being a woman in today’s workforce. A lot of women went through much worse than I have and hopefully it will be even easier for future generations. But I can tell you one thing, my age is just a number, I love me for who I am, and my work ethic is efficient and thorough; no one can take that away from me.

xoxo, Bee

8 Types of “Dog Owners” Who Need to Be Slapped or Imprisoned

Most of you already know that I am a dog owner, in fact I own three amazing dogs who I would do anything for. Maybe that’s just a rare trait that some people have nowadays, you know, responsibility, selfless love for something other than yourself. Of course I follow a ton of adoptable pages via Facebook, along with tons more just dedicated to animals in general. It makes me completely SICK to read the stories behind some of these poor animals and grateful that these fosters/kennels are doing everything they can to get them out of their current situations, giving these dogs a second chance at a life they actually deserve and with a family that will give them unconditional love and attention.

People out there just astound me with their selfishness, and while some of these classifications I am about to give may have their reasons and justifications that help them sleep better at night; but to someone like me and a lot of other people out there, you’re preaching to the wrong choir.

1. The Time Manager: Oh how I love this category! First off, if you all of a sudden don’t have the allotted “time” to take care of a living being, DON’T GET A DOG! It’s really that simple. Especially the people who go in and buy a puppy right off the bat, yes a puppy takes TIME to train and a lot of patience. I know everyone who has a baby or a child will scoff at me for comparing, but a lot like a HUMAN baby, a puppy needs guidance, to be fed, to be taken out, has their own set of puppy shots and check-ups throughout that first year. Yes, life throws certain things at us along the way, but it is NO EXCUSE to drop your dog off at a shelter because you no longer have time for it. I work 8 hours a day, and Shane works 12, miraculously I STILL manage to play with my dogs and let them run around with each other, I don’t even know how I do it! Oh wait, maybe because THERE ARE 24 hours in a day, or I’m just superwoman. Either way I’m not buying your shitty excuses.
2. The Mover: The whole, “Oh I’m moving and I can’t take my dog with me.” I call BULLSHIT, you know why?! Oh, right! Because I moved, and not just across town – although I have done that before too, WITH my dogs – but I moved STATES. Oh and guess what, I still kept my dogs! What a fricken miracle! If you have a dog and have to move, be responsible, if you have to go to an apartment, pick one that ALLOWS dogs. Seriously people, it’s not rocket science. You can’t even pull the pit-bull card on me either, because if you cared to do enough research before just blindly writing your dog off, then you would know that you can actually register your dog as an “Emotional Support Animal,” making it illegal for landlords to refuse to rent to you. MIND BLOWING.
3. The Abandoner: I don’t even have words for this type of person, other than F*@! you. To even think that someone could just drop their dog off on the side of the road and not have any moral issue with that brings tears to my eyes. Especially knowing that that exact thing was done for my Bear. He was left on the side of the road, and found by a good Samaritan on the edge of a highway in Virginia at only 3 months old. Do you really have no other option at that point? Because I can think of a ton of other options. Was it really so hard for you to at least just bring the dog to a shelter at that point? At least have the heart enough to knowingly surrender him somewhere where at least he can find a better life than what you are offering. No apparently not, because THOUSANDS of dogs are left abandoned every day, and not ONE of them deserves it.
4. The Abuser: These categories are just getting better and better, because of you abusers so many dogs are thankfully taken from you. There are still people in this world WATCHING for you, you are a despicable human being. I’ve seen rescue stories of dogs who were being punched, kicked, tortured, tied out and choked, cut, burned, just abused in ways that I can’t imagine ever doing to an animal. Our first dog, Whiskey, fits into this loathsome category. She was terrified of men from being abused; when we went to the shelter 3 years ago in Florida we came across her on our second go-around. The shelter face. That’s all that can really be said about it, and for all those out there who have adopted a dog, you know exactly what I mean. After hearing about her back story I was wary of getting her because I didn’t want her to be afraid of Shane. But we played with her anyways, and a few months later we got her over her fear. So many dogs fit into this category, and so many volunteers and good-hearted people fight to free these poor babies from their horrible circumstances. It takes time and patience to cure a dog of their fears after being abused so extensively, and you people never should have owned that dog in the first place.
5. The Kids Card: I’ve seen this one so many times and it’s just another excuse. It seems to me that a lot of people will get a dog as “practice” for when a baby comes along. Yeah well, when the baby does come you just decide that you can longer care for your dog. Yes, I understand having kids makes for a lot of time you need to spend with them, it’s another responsibility to add to your pile, and just because it’s another task, doesn’t exclude you from taking care of your dog, another one of your responsibilities. As humans we were given this uncanny trait called multi-tasking, but sadly too many people are too LAZY to take on all of their responsibilities, just wanting all of their problems solved for them. I know people think I’m crazy having my three dogs, and yes I want to start a family, but the insane thing is that my dogs are a part of MY FAMILY. So a baby would be one more thing on my plate, just add it to the list. Sure I’ll probably be dead tired, but that’s life, get over yourself.
6. The Dog Fighter: Just go to hell. Seriously, the steps are already laid down for you, might as well start the trek down now, because no one who loves animals up here wants you here. We all know the Michael Vick story and it’s atrocious. You know dog fighters actually starve the dogs, which is what brings on the rage and the precedent’s for them to fight one another. If that’s not vile enough already, they are supposed to fight to the death. Oh but it gets way worse than that, the bait dogs. Oh yeah, you read correctly, and I didn’t stutter either. The name is exactly what it is, they throw in the smaller dogs with the ones they want to fight and literally let them tear the poor bait dog to shreds, unflinchingly. The majority of dog fights just happen to be pit bulls, which is why their reputation is always misconceived amongst the entire population. But don’t worry, there are others who know the truth, so screw your misconstrued knowledge on the breed of the sweetest dogs I have ever met. Leia is a boxer pit-bull mix, being a mixed breed still gets her judgement, and for pit-bull owners you know you get it all the time and in full force. As for the dog fighters, you belong behind bars for the rest of your miserable and meaningless lives, you’re ruining society and advocating violence among man’s best friend. We’ve had enough of your shit.
7. The Budgeter: Money. Literally nothing more really needs to be said. We all get into rough times at certain points in our lives, and yes owning a dog takes money on top of everything else. Simply put, if you are not in a stable position in your life, don’t take on the responsibility to care for another living being if you are barely taking care of yourself. There’s no need to be putting an innocent animal in jeopardy because you don’t have the money to care for it. Oh, and wrap it before you tap it buddy, because if you can barely take care of yourself you don’t need to be reproducing either.
8. The Breeder: There are more dogs in the world than there are humans at this point, and only 1 in 5 families actually have a dog. Those odds are not in their favor, not to mention millions are euthanized each day and yet people still breed their dogs. People are so set on getting those pure bred puppies, when you can go to any shelter and pick up an amazing dog who needs a loving home. I’m not gonna lie, we picked Leia up at 8 weeks old off of a Craigslist ad, but I wouldn’t trade doing that for the world. Many people wouldn’t either with their store bought puppies, and honestly I’m not gonna go judging someone for doing that. Either way, that is one less dog that you will find on the street, or in a shelter in the future. Hopefully. As long as you aren’t the asshole who falls into any of the categories mentioned above. But in the long run something NEEDS to be done here, too many dogs are in kill shelters, too many are left in shitty situations that need help. Get your dog fixed, that’s the first step to solving this epidemic.

To the people out there who are trying their hardest to help out man’s best friend, we are truly grateful. Whether it’s big or small, at least you are slowly making a difference. The rest of us who care are watching and sending you emotional support every day. It’s not an easy task, but it’s a job that will change the life of that special dog forever, thank you. If not for you, these babies would have never gotten their second chance.

xoxo, Bee

*To see an update on where Michael Vick’s rescued dogs are today, click here*

I’m Whiskey, I love to run and sit on my daddy’s feet when he gets home

 

My name is Leia, I like to snuggle and give sloppy kisses, I get really excited and sometimes jump

 

My name is Bear, I’m a huge goofball and love to instigate play time with my sisters

 

 

 

 

 

 

Writer’s Block

Writer’s Block. Lately I have so much on my mind I cannot write even the simplest things, I literally have about three recipes to post that I’ve started and just not been able to wrap them up yet. The worst part is that this writer’s block isn’t the “oh, I just can’t think of what to write,” type deals. I know exactly what I want to write, what needs to be said and done, but I immediately get distracted by other thoughts running through my head. Even writing this post right now I am forcing myself to push through it, instead of going to research houses, plan out my meal preparations for tonight, thinking about just going to the gym, wedding planning.

All of those things are just driving me crazy, I don’t think I’ve had a mental break for at least a month now. I’m just mentally exhausted and tired of listening to my own banter. Don’t get me wrong, I love who I am, what my goals are, but sometimes you can just drive yourself crazy when you constantly think about everything all at once! Apparently this is mainly a woman thing though, I wish I had that turn-off valve that men seem to have. I’ve been asked before how I don’t explode from having all of these thoughts, and honestly I have no idea, but I sure get some massive headaches from it.

The gym lately has been my salvation, and it’s officially the longest I’ve consistently gone! So yay for that achievement! Since Shane bought me my membership for Christmas I don’t think I’ve missed a day. It’s helping me cleanse myself from work so I work out those frustrations, and on top of that it’s given me a whole new inspiration to just be a healthier version of myself. I mean I haven’t gone cold turkey or anything yet, it’s been a gradual change for the past few weeks. But I have noticed that even with these small changes even the smallest cheat meals will just slow me down, and honestly at this point I’ve already realized it’s not worth it…plus I found out I have a weird obsession with broccoli. I would say the obsession is unhealthy, but in all actuality it’s not at all! My seven-year old self would think I’m crazy, even my sixteen-year old self!

All-in-all because of this new regime for me I’ve been thinking hard about adding a new sub-section that is all fitness related. Maybe with this addition it will bring me full circle and I will be able to completely get all that I’ve been learning off of my chest. After all, you are supposed to write about what you care about, and until recently, I had no idea how much I actually would start caring about fitness and health. I’ve always been an advocate for trying new things, such as the Pole Fitness, but when it comes to eating healthy, it was always foreign to me. How do you even begin a transition like that?!? Well I finally began that transition! On top of that, I am getting married in t-minus 6 months, what better way to get in better shape! Besides that, I need something to curb the stress, have to keep up with those bucket list items on top of all this 😉

So here’s to writer’s block, and may it PLEASE ebb away and let me share some amazing recipes with ya’ll!

xoxo, Bee

All I See These Days is Disrespect

Earlier today as I was preparing my next recipe tutorial I got mildly distracted by news stories that are constantly being shared through Facebook, Twitter, basically all social media right now. I couldn’t continue to even write my frivolous recipe because I was instantly pissed off by the petty people in this world. Not even just the people, but news stations, and the fact that people are so quick to blatantly follow these news stories as if they are completely true. Honestly I know this will just fuel the fire at this point but it’s something I just can’t ignore, otherwise it will continue to bother me and prevent me from focusing on the other aspects of my blog.

So the story that pissed me off you ask? Well this link right here will take you straight to it. Granted the source probably isn’t the greatest, but this story was just the last straw for me. I’ve already been holding in my anger towards all of the cops that are being shot, penalized for doing there JOBS, and I’m sure the majority of them are scared every day to go to work. I know I would be, and honestly if I had a family member who was a cop, I would plead with them not to go. People these days are just getting crazier, thinking so highly of themselves. Seriously? This is why Americans are viewed as bullies everywhere in the world, look at what goes on in our own streets?! Citizens just letting off rounds at other people, killing just to kill or make a statement, how can other countries respect US when we don’t even respect EACH OTHER?!

America used to stand for something, now what are we? I can tell you one thing, we aren’t the keepers of the peace, that’s for damn sure. No one in the world wants our help because we cause more problems than it’s worth. Our Government hides the stories they feel necessary to hide, the news only reports the most horrid instances when it comes to our public servants, and racial issues have skyrocketed in the past 6 years to the worst they have been since the early 70’s! America is literally a ticking time bomb, we are imploding from the inside and I’m sure that all the countries around the world are enjoying the view with a big bowl of popcorn, just waiting to see what happens next.

In our history we were able, despite our differences, to join together as one united people and help those who needed help, we used to have pride and faith in our country. The last event that brought Americans together was September 11, and from all of you reading this I know you can agree. I was in fourth grade when that tragic day happened and I could just feel the electricity and fire that was instilled in every American after it happened. But it shouldn’t take a tragedy to bring Americans together, we should be able to respect each other, help other people, and set an example for future generations. Instead, we fight amongst ourselves, killing one another, bullying, hating, bashing. Yes, America has a harsh past, but it is in the PAST. There is an old saying that you have to leave your past behind you, to ensure a better future, and I believe in that statement wholeheartedly.

I know I am just one person out of the billions in this world, I might not have the influence of a celebrity, or a politician, but I have something that is better than that, I have the heart of an everyday American citizen. We were all taught right from wrong at an early age, no one can deny that fact. Think of yourself as a five year old, if someone asked you when you were five if  you would ever kill a cop what would you say? The obvious answer is no, you wouldn’t, because the police are there to HELP you, and even if the question was to kill anyone the answer would still be NO because it is wrong to kill someone! Killing someone cannot be justified, along with a list of horrible things that we do to each other everyday, all those bad  things cannot be justified.

Americans need to wake up, take responsibility for your actions and stop BLAMING EVERYONE ELSE! Be a better person for you, for your family, and for your children. We were promised Change 7 years ago, a change that none of us were prepared for, because if this is the change then I don’t want any part of it. Stand up, but stand up for the right reasons, don’t blindly make a stand for something that is a media or governmental ploy. Respect those whose job it is to protect you, to teach you, and to help you develop into a better human being. If we crumble, everything our ancestors died for and fought so hard for will be lost within our own hate and petty differences.

xoxo, Bee

 

DIY “Sharpie” Mugs

The holidays are at last over with! But with that, I can now post the tutorial for the DIY presents I made for my parents! If you are a Pinterest junkie like I am then I am sure you have seen the decorative sharpie mugs ALL over the place. Well I decided to take it a step further, through researching other people’s experiences with this project I found out that sharpie’s are NOT the way to be going, not if you want to be able to hand wash, or even dish wash these mugs!

Of course they turned out so awesome for my parents I was obligated to make one for myself as well, check out the latest Pinning Craze page here! I’ll give you all the info you need to make these bad boys, and keep them looking EXACTLY how you first created them. My personal mug has already been through the dish washer 5 times! It still looks brand new!

Enjoy your Monday everyone!

xoxo, Bee

Death: As Told By Someone Alive

Last night I couldn’t sleep for two different reasons, the first being that I have had a cold now for about two weeks and was completely congested. The second reason being that my mind was conjuring up thoughts that I cannot even explain to myself, let alone others, but right now I am going to try. Recently someone I went to school with passed away, which I believe is what brought on all of these thoughts in my head. In no way can I go in to detail about this person, because personally I only knew him through certain classes, and can remember having a few conversations with him due to those classes as well as seeing him on campus, and in a few instances I remember having lunch with him and some mutual friends. I am deeply saddened for his family and close friends, coming from me that will never amount to much, but never-the-less I will still have my own memories from High School of this person and how those instances affected my life.

While I pondered over this last night, my mind kept returning to the concept of death…and to everyone alive today it is a foreign notion. It is also a very scary thought for most people, including myself. One minute you are here and then the next you’re just gone. Our time is so fragile and limited here on Earth. For me this was the thought that I kept reflecting on in my mind. How can we be so alive then just be gone from the world? Others will argue this topic, stating that you are never really gone when you live in the memories of those whose lives you touched. People like Thomas Edison, Brittany Murphy, and Michael Jackson…those famous names who everyone knows will always live on through history because of the lives they led.

But what about the rest of the world? Who remembers us when we pass on? Yes, family and friends, but they will work through that pain and move along with their lives as time goes on, continuing to walk the Earth like nothing has really changed, while we become a vague memory. How can we as human beings have all of these thoughts of our own, have a voice, have goals, be here physically then all of a sudden NOT here? For me I cannot fathom NOT being here, while I know I have no choice in the matter, I still cannot justify not being here. I don’t consider myself to be selfish by saying this, because it’s not for myself that I cannot imagine being gone. I can’t even think to leave my parents, my brother and sister, my relatives, my friends…even more so Shane and our three dogs. There is no world without them, it’s just not possible. If I was just absent, not here for those people I love the most, what does that say about me?

Of course though, I am alive, I would have thoughts such as these because I am breathing, I see everything around me, my mind is sending all of these thoughts through my brain and creating these emotions. The feelings we have on a daily basis are proof of just how viable we are, those people who passed on in our lifetime will always have a special place in our lives. I struggle with this, I know a lot of people have, because it is an experience you do not come back from, no one can tell us what to expect. All human beings have a fear of the unknown, and death is the biggest unknown in this world. Where do my thoughts go? My actions? My feelings? Do I just become a huge void in this world? Will I impact someone’s life enough to live on through their memories? Even so, I’ll maybe be remembered through a generation or two before my name is lost into the vast family tree, maybe a mention of name here or there.

Right now, I am here and that is all I know. I am very fortunate but in a way very unprepared for reality, as I have been lucky enough to still have my grandparents on both sides, as well as my great-grandparents on my father’s side. How many people can even say today that they have met their great-grandparents? Not many at all, I grew up knowing these people. I know that they will all not be here forever, and besides these thoughts from last night, I do not dwell on that fact. I make sure to appreciate every minute of their time that I can. I do not know what happens in death, and everyone has their own faith, their beliefs through religion that gives them hope that our lives are more than this. I guess it’s hard for me to accept death as a common occurrence, as something that literally happens each day. It’s difficult for me, because I just don’t understand death.

I am alive, I have thoughts, I put words to paper, I breathe in oxygen, I have feelings, I have people in my life that I cannot dream living without…but I guess that’s just it. I cannot explain death, because I am not dead. No one can explain death or what happens; if our thoughts continue on, if we are more than just another body roaming the Earth. We who are here right now can only do one thing, and that is live, carrying our thoughts, our burdens, our memories with us. Death cannot be explained by someone like me, or like you, no matter how hard we try. We are too much alive.

xoxo, Bee

 

*In no way is this article meant to insult, harm, or inflict pain on those who have lost a loved one. It was written for the sole purpose of putting thoughts to paper, with the topic of those thoughts being death. In respect of family and friends, names will not be stated, as this is a delicate subject with the aforementioned.*

 No one wants to die. Even people who want to go to heaven don’t want to die to get there. And yet death is the destination we all share. No one has ever escaped it. And that is as it should be, because Death is very likely the single best invention of Life. It is Life’s change agent. It clears out the old to make way for the new. – Steve Jobs

10 Months Sans Facebook

Ten months….I went approximately 10 months without my Facebook and honestly those 10 months were AMAZING. Honestly I wouldn’t have reactivated that sucker if it hadn’t been such a huge communication key between myself and relatives…not to mention it will drive more traffic to the blog 😉 About a week after Shane left for basic training is when I decided to deactivate it and be lost from the “world.” It’s so nice, not being involved in other people’s lives, and at the same time they aren’t involved in mine.

Instead of staying glued to my phone, I was constantly out and about, mostly working out and doing pole and when I wasn’t there I was reading or doing projects or cleaning/cooking. It was pretty bad actually, I remember my sister and mother freaking out after realizing I no longer had a Facebook. A phone call confirmed that I was in fact not dead…it’s unfortunately really sad that so many things work through Facebook. Don’t get me wrong, I understand the benefits of it, but at the same time it’s nice to hear that so and so passed away from a phone call instead of reading about it through Facebook. (Yes, a situation like that actually happened) So of course for me, not having a FB, I wouldn’t find out for weeks.

There were moments when I was searching for a business or a certain place and they would ONLY have a FB page, which of course I could not view. BEYOND RIDICULOUS. I still have moments where I want to deactivate it again, it’s just so peaceful not hearing/reading people’s everyday dramas, or being tagged in a status and brought into said drama. If I could solely create a FB page designated for my blog I would, but you need to have a personal login in order to create one…oh the world we live in!

I could bash on FB all day long if I wanted to, but I know some people genuinely love it, and I don’t judge them for that. Life without Facebook was awesome, quiet, blissful, but at all times oblivious. Half the time when I would receive a phone call the entire conversation was steered back towards FB…even if you don’t have one, everyday conversations are BASED off of the things we see on our news feed! Apparently this is what communication has come to, I miss calling people and having to memorize their numbers because you never had a pen on you. I appreciate smart phones, apps, and am a HUGE advocate for all things new and technologically advanced, but to me FB is a step backwards in terms of communicating with another human being. In the next five years we are going to have some seriously socially deprived people in this world.

For now I’ll keep it activated, but who knows I may deactivate it by the end of the month. Some people think their lives depend on it, well let me tell you I survived very happily without it for ten months. I’m sure you can do the same! Honestly I encourage you to take time away from it, if just for yourself, it’s one of the best things you can do. I know I’m not the only one who needs a break from everything! Plus without it, you come to realize just how creepy the concept of the “check-ins” are…I can’t believe I used to check-in at my own house in Florida…EVERYONE CAN VIEW THAT!! It’s got to be one of the most un-safe aspects that FB has to offer.

While my FB is active at the moment, I don’t expect it will last too much longer. I’m already due for another break 😉

xoxo, Bee

Organizing My Life

Tis’ the season to start cleaning, it seems like everyone I’ve spoken to as of late is either organizing or decorating a room this year. My mom is giving away items left and right, with my brother graduating this year they want to downsize, my friend Catherine (check out her blog here) has been painting and creating her office oasis, and then here I am…pinning all of the ideas I have for a future home.

Well this past weekend I was searching endlessly for some medicine – tis’ the season for the flu/cold as well, it has not been fun – I was completely fed up with the lack of organization in our medicine cabinet. On a whim, I just went on a complete organizing rampage, I still have a lot of other cabinets I want to tackle, such as the dreaded tupper-ware cabinet (UGH). But honestly, I only got through two cabinets, my medicine and the baking cabinets and it’s the GREATEST feeling in the world.

Everyone knows that feeling I’m talking about, it’s the equivalent of buying a new pair of favorite jeans. You began so frustrated but then the outcome makes you sigh a breath of relief. Every time I open the cabinets now it’s just pure bliss and it only took me maybe an hour to complete both, it’s better than sitting on Pinterest looking at people’s organized homes and wishing my circumstances were different. Might as well make the change myself and with what I have right now, granted I didn’t go out and buy any fancy organizing cubbies, I created my own. I can beautify them if I want to, but what’s the point when I don’t own the place and who really ends up looking in the cabinets? The three people who live there, that’s who. I’m not trying to win any home awards or make a fancy statement, I just wanted some organization to the chaos.

Of course the first step to organizing ANYTHING, is to completely gut whatever it is you are working on. It’s really mind blowing how much crap you can accumulate, and turns out you end up finding like 5 of the same bottles (Advil)…money wasted. I need to apparently take better inventory of the meds I do have as well, so I chose a method that allows me to view everything in plain sight in the cabinet!

As you can see, I cut up a Ritz box to store all the gauze and bandages, a cereal box to line up all the tape and even more bandaging. Ziploc baggies also came in to play, what’s the use in keeping tarnished boxes? Just takes up more space than it’s worth. Oh, and just an FYI we have all of the bandages because Clay worked at the hospital and somehow it always came home with him. At least we’re overly prepared!

From what I learned looking at organizing methods through Pinterest is that you can’t copy someone else’s ways to organize. We each have our own habits and preferences of doing things. What works for me may not work for someone else and that’s okay.

As for me, this works out! The list is endless still for what needs to be done around my house! I’m sure the majority of  you have a list of your own! Let this be part of the inspiration to get your life organized! Trust me, the cabinets are just a small portion of what I still need to do to get everything else going on in order! In no way am I perfect…this baking cabinet sure is though 😉

Enjoy your Tuesday!

xoxo, Bee

 

The Struggle Is Real

Lately I have been just going back and forth between reality. What I mean by that is, the decision behind a future for Shane and I; the dream/fantasy being a wedding and the reality that we simply cannot afford that “dream” wedding. But the more I ask myself what that even means, the more absurd I think it is. Yes, it would be nice to be with friends and family to celebrate our marriage, like David Tutera style, but the reality of it is is that I don’t want that.

At the end of the day all I really want for my “dream” wedding is to wear my gorgeous wedding dress that I found like 5 months ago now, have my dad walk me down the aisle, and marry the man I love. All of the frilly things, even items such as the decorations, the flowers, the cake, the DJ, the photographer…and just on and on when it comes to the ideal wedding, I just can’t come to terms with spending that money towards ONE day.

I understand that it’s my day and blah blah blah, but for MY day I don’t want the stress of knowing all of this money was spent towards this huge event when money is already tight enough as it is. Not just for us, but for my parents as well, and I am too selfless of a person to even want to burden them with the expenses. We already have the venue, the catering, and the tables and all that jazz are all included in that initial price as well. All of those “frilly” things I mentioned earlier have to come out of mine and Shane’s own pockets.

It’s a battle for me, because of course we haven’t done any wedding details while we are awaiting the call saying Shane is either being deployed or not being deployed. The wedding date that we have set is in June, which that’s not that far away to me. Time flies by, and then the added stress that if Shane is deployed then we need to change the date. You can see my struggle when it comes to putting deposits down for all of these items when it’s all up in the air right now. I was planning on putting my tax return towards all the wedding details, it comes in at the right time and hopefully by then we will have an answer.

BUT, this is what REALLY gets me. All of that money I am getting for a tax return could be put towards something much more realistically beneficial, say a down payment on a house. So, I am trapped between two worlds: The dream world of a wedding, and the realistic world of owning a house. To me, a house seems like the better bet, considering I did the math and figured out that we have literally put about $30k towards a house that we do not own, that we absolutely HATE, and that the rental company doesn’t even adhere to their contract for.

With that money, we could have paid off our car already, or had a substantial amount for a down payment. It’s literally money tossed down the drain, and money which I am not willing to keep wasting. I was so shocked by that reality yesterday that I hurried to the bank to talk with a Budgeting Counselor, who literally said we would be better off buying a house and paying less a month than what we are currently paying.

Basically, I am at a loss, stuck between two worlds and doing as Shane often says “trying to do everything all at once.” When it comes to life with a military spouse…there’s really no telling what the future holds and you can only learn to sink or swim….unfortunately I seem to be treading water…hopefully I don’t cramp up soon.

xoxo, Bee