The Struggle Is Real

Lately I have been just going back and forth between reality. What I mean by that is, the decision behind a future for Shane and I; the dream/fantasy being a wedding and the reality that we simply cannot afford that “dream” wedding. But the more I ask myself what that even means, the more absurd I think it is. Yes, it would be nice to be with friends and family to celebrate our marriage, like David Tutera style, but the reality of it is is that I don’t want that.

At the end of the day all I really want for my “dream” wedding is to wear my gorgeous wedding dress that I found like 5 months ago now, have my dad walk me down the aisle, and marry the man I love. All of the frilly things, even items such as the decorations, the flowers, the cake, the DJ, the photographer…and just on and on when it comes to the ideal wedding, I just can’t come to terms with spending that money towards ONE day.

I understand that it’s my day and blah blah blah, but for MY day I don’t want the stress of knowing all of this money was spent towards this huge event when money is already tight enough as it is. Not just for us, but for my parents as well, and I am too selfless of a person to even want to burden them with the expenses. We already have the venue, the catering, and the tables and all that jazz are all included in that initial price as well. All of those “frilly” things I mentioned earlier have to come out of mine and Shane’s own pockets.

It’s a battle for me, because of course we haven’t done any wedding details while we are awaiting the call saying Shane is either being deployed or not being deployed. The wedding date that we have set is in June, which that’s not that far away to me. Time flies by, and then the added stress that if Shane is deployed then we need to change the date. You can see my struggle when it comes to putting deposits down for all of these items when it’s all up in the air right now. I was planning on putting my tax return towards all the wedding details, it comes in at the right time and hopefully by then we will have an answer.

BUT, this is what REALLY gets me. All of that money I am getting for a tax return could be put towards something much more realistically beneficial, say a down payment on a house. So, I am trapped between two worlds: The dream world of a wedding, and the realistic world of owning a house. To me, a house seems like the better bet, considering I did the math and figured out that we have literally put about $30k towards a house that we do not own, that we absolutely HATE, and that the rental company doesn’t even adhere to their contract for.

With that money, we could have paid off our car already, or had a substantial amount for a down payment. It’s literally money tossed down the drain, and money which I am not willing to keep wasting. I was so shocked by that reality yesterday that I hurried to the bank to talk with a Budgeting Counselor, who literally said we would be better off buying a house and paying less a month than what we are currently paying.

Basically, I am at a loss, stuck between two worlds and doing as Shane often says “trying to do everything all at once.” When it comes to life with a military spouse…there’s really no telling what the future holds and you can only learn to sink or swim….unfortunately I seem to be treading water…hopefully I don’t cramp up soon.

xoxo, Bee

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