Blogtember: Day Four

A story about a time you were very afraid.

Honestly there have been many times when I have been very afraid, I could write about some very bad childhood instances where I was frightened and scared beyond belief. But at this moment there is one time that stands out more than them all put together. Although he doesn’t know how truly terrified at that point and time that I was, I have always been able to express my true feelings through writing way better than I can in person.

My story begins in July 2011, I had completely shut myself off from everyone I knew. I stayed under the radar and didn’t hang out with anyone for almost a year. I had a lot of issues I was taking care of and sifting through. My main focus was work and school, and I made some of the best grades of my entire college career during this time. I had gotten a new job, actually at a Hooters, and no one knew anything about my life. Well I was serving one night in July and I was founded out by Shane, he had randomly wandered in with a friend and I was their waitress. I had known Shane for awhile previous, and he was one of the people that I had cut off from my life. For some reason I remember my stomach completely sinking at the recognition of him, I began to get really hot and was completely freaking out. I even tried to give the table to another girl, but I decided not to be a complete coward and I walked up to the table. Him and his friend both were nice enough to me, even with the past issues that I had endured with his other friends. When we all got to talking, we reconnected and I forgot how much I missed his friendship. He was one of the people that never judged me or criticized me for everything that had happened. He never wrote me off, I had written him off, and after that night we became friends again.

After about a month of hanging out constantly, I started to look at him differently. I had never considered him as anything more than a friend. Yes, he was in the accursed friend-zone. But something had changed, and I know now that I had changed. He was always there for me, even before I had written him off completely, I enjoyed spending time with him more than anyone, and he was the one person who I could always be myself with. Not to mention the more time we spent together the cuter he became….kinda funny how that works. Each day we grew closer and closer and I became more and more afraid, afraid not only to lose his friendship but to lose him in general. I was scaring myself with these feelings, they were feelings that I had never experienced and I would constantly try to ignore them. To push them aside and pretend like they weren’t there. I began thinking of an actual relationship with him, but why would I want to ruin our friendship over my feelings?! For all that I knew he didn’t think of me as more than a friend! I was being stupid, not to mention all of the people that would be completely pissed off if we ever did date.

Well a night came where we were hanging outside of his house, just the two of us, talking and laughing and just having fun. It got onto a more personal topic and I shut down, as I used to always do whenever I was scared to hurt someone’s feelings or to admit my own. He was never afraid to hurt my feelings in the process of getting me to fess up, he had caught me looking at him differently. I didn’t realize I was, but I was caught. Once he knew that I was hiding something, he would pester me to the death until I would finally cave and tell him what was really going on. My heart at this time was beating so hard and fast I swear he heard it, my palms grew sweaty and I was completely taken by surprise. This was the guy who I could always fess up to, the guy who I had pushed into the friend-zone for three odd years, the guy that I didn’t want to lose over feelings that I didn’t quite understand. Seeing me sweltering there, he changed the subject asking me if I remembered the first time we ever hung out. I told him I had, and he proceeded to say he thought it was a date. I was shocked, even when he continued to say that at the end of the night he wanted to kiss me but I had given him no hints of wanting him to.

With my head and heart pounding, my courage seemed to stem from his confession and I blurted out that I didn’t know that he thought that, and it was never too late for that kiss. Of course I wished with every fiber I had that he would, but he said if YOU want to kiss me, than you can. That threw me off completely, but then made me laugh because he knew, I don’t know how long he knew, but he had me. Granted, that’s the response I deserved for pushing him aside for so long, never knowing that he had liked me as more than a friend. But even with the invitation I was afraid, to just step forward and kiss him, it took me about ten minutes before I finally did it. Well since that night, I haven’t kissed any other lips since. So in truth, even being so afraid to admit to him and to myself my true feelings, there hasn’t been a day that goes by that I would wish it any other way. From being afraid, you gain the bravery and courage to take action, sometimes those moments can change your life. My moment definitely has.

My life is forever changed